The Moment I Started Reading the Rules Myself

The Power of One Word: What Does “Shall” Mean in Law?

I never expected to spend my evenings reading court rules.

Like most parents, I hired professionals because I knew I wasn’t one. I didn’t go to law school. I don’t have legal training. I understood that family court was a specialized field, and I trusted that the people operating within it understood the rules better than I did.

That is exactly why what happened next disturbed me so much.

In a response filed in my case, opposing counsel wrote:

“The rule states that attorneys and parties shall attend the conciliation, however not that the parties must attend.”

When I read that sentence, I stopped.

Not because I am a lawyer.

Not because I have a law degree.

But because I know what the word “shall” means.

Or at least I thought I did.

Growing up, I was taught that words matter. In school, we learned that language has meaning. In professional settings, we are expected to read carefully and understand instructions as they are written. If an employer says you “shall” complete a task, most people understand that as a requirement, not a suggestion.

Yet here I was reading a legal argument that appeared to separate “shall” from “must” as though they were entirely different concepts.

That moment forced me to confront a reality I never anticipated.

Not that legal language is complicated.

I already knew that.

That is why I hired professionals in the first place.

The frightening realization was that when parents begin to lose trust in the people interpreting the rules, learning the rules themselves becomes the only option left.

The Power of One Word

When most people read a law, rule, or court order, they focus on the big issues.

But lawyers know that sometimes a single word can determine the outcome of an argument.

One of the most important words in legal writing is the word “shall.”

Generally speaking:
    •    “May” is permissive. It means something is allowed.
    •    “Should” is advisory. It suggests a preferred action.
    •    “Shall” is mandatory. It creates a requirement.

For this reason, courts, attorneys, and lawmakers frequently distinguish between “may” and “shall” when interpreting statutes and procedural rules.

Imagine a rule that states:

“Parties shall attend the conference.”

Most readers would understand that attendance is required.

If the rule instead stated:

“Parties may attend the conference.”

The meaning would be entirely different.

Attendance would be permitted, but not required.

One word changes everything.

The Question Parents Eventually Ask

When I first entered family court, I assumed my role was simple.

Gather evidence.

Tell the truth.

Follow the process.

Trust the professionals.

What I did not anticipate was how often parents are forced to become students of the system itself.

Because eventually many parents reach a crossroads.

When an interpretation appears inconsistent with the language in front of them, they begin asking uncomfortable questions.

Are words being interpreted differently than ordinary people understand them?

Is there legal authority supporting that interpretation that I haven’t found yet?

Am I misunderstanding the rule?

Or is the rule being stretched to fit a particular narrative?

The problem is that most parents are not equipped to answer those questions.

Yet they are being asked to trust a system making life-changing decisions about their children.

That is a dangerous position for any parent to be in.

Why Learning the Law Matters

One lesson I have learned through studying legal procedure is that every word matters.

When reading a statute, court rule, or order, it is important to ask:
    •    Who is the rule directed toward?
    •    What action is being described?
    •    Does the rule say “may” or “shall”?
    •    Are there exceptions elsewhere in the rule?
    •    How have courts interpreted the language?

Legal interpretation is rarely as simple as finding one word and stopping there.

Context matters.

The entire rule matters.

Case law matters.

But words matter too.

And parents should never be discouraged from reading the rules themselves simply because they are not attorneys.

The Education Gap Nobody Talks About

Most people enter the legal system with little understanding of procedural rules.

That is normal.

The system is complex.

That complexity is precisely why people spend thousands of dollars hiring attorneys.

But what happens when a parent begins losing confidence in the explanations they are being given?

What happens when they read something themselves and it raises more questions than answers?

What happens when the future of their children depends upon understanding a process they were never trained to navigate?

Many parents discover they have no choice but to educate themselves.

Not because they want to become lawyers.

Not because they distrust everyone.

But because no one has more at stake than they do.

Knowledge Is Protection

The greatest lesson family court has taught me is this:

No one will care about your children more than you do.

No one will spend as many late nights reviewing documents as you will.

No one will feel the consequences of a bad decision more deeply than you will.

That means parents cannot afford to be passive participants in the process.

Read the rules.

Read the statutes.

Read the orders.

Look up unfamiliar terms.

Ask questions.

Verify what you are being told.

Because once trust begins to erode, knowledge becomes the only thing standing between a parent and blind faith.

And when the future of your children is being decided, blind faith is not enough.

Sometimes the biggest lessons in law come from the smallest words.

Sometimes that word is “shall.”

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